Loren Feldman is a mensch. He runs a media company in New York and he does puppet shows online where he says bad words and makes fun of people and sometimes he’s mean, mean, mean. But I think he’s nice inside, because somehow he convinced Michelle Oshen to marry him, and she’s nice and shops at Kmart.

Be warned, fair readers, if you go to Loren’s 1938Media website to watch a puppet show. I’ve never seen a puppet cuss so much in my whole life. Loren acts all tough and stuff (not to be confused with Puffnstuff who’s not really a puppet or a Muppet, he’s just freakin’ weird…oh dang it, now I’m cussing, which I never do, ever, except when I burn my hand on the stove, or the dog poops in my closet or I drop something, or I feel anger welling up inside me for various, assorted reasons.)

But Loren is a softie, I can just tell. I saw Loren’s mom once when she was the star of one of his videos, and she would not raise a bad boy, I’m sure of it. I can almost hear her Jewish, New York Mother accent telling him to watch his mouth, even as I type this. I bet he calls her every week. I bet she’s so proud of him, despite his potty mouth. I bet she thinks he’s a genius and the handsomest man in the whole world.

I have a boy. I know how it is to be a doting mother, even though I’m not Jewish.

I often wish I was a Jewish Mother and lived in New York. It seems like a glamorous job in a glamorous place. Instead I’m a lapsed Lutheran living in Central Oregon. We don’t even have a Kmart. And I’ve never had a real bagel, apparently.

But I just can’t give up the clean air and easy life in the high desert. And I can’t quite kick Christmas. What would I do with all my great decorations? I bet Jewish people don’t have lovely hand painted porcelain Nativity Scenes they bought at Costco.

If you convert to Judaism, you probably have to donate your Nativity Scene to Goodwill or leave it on the steps of churches in the dead of night. Or take it to a hospital emergency room maybe, no questions asked.

Poor baby Jesus, wrapped in a Kleenex, handed off to a random nurse…I just can’t do it. It might hurt his feelings.

But anyway, back to Loren and Michelle: nice Crocs! Thanks for sending me your shoes, and Mazal tov.